I couldn't break this one down into bullet points, sorry :) It's a long 'un.
You know what really bothers me? Hearsay. It can be very difficult to hear nasty things about yourself, especially things that you just know aren't true. I probably put too much thought into these things...
Do you know who I talk badly about? People I know. Ha! It's true. I can't sit here and honestly say that I never sit around and gossip and joke, because I definitely do. I'm also not saying that I say mean things about my friends, because I'm not two-faced, but if I'm going to say something negative about someone, it's because I have at the very least met them and somehow developed that feeling on my own. I do not talk badly about people I have never met, or do not know well enough to criticize*, and certainly not ever solely based on something that someone else said.
It's like... I hate Evanescence. A lot. But the reason that I know this is because I have HEARD Evanescence. I don't like their tone, their image, their lyrics, anything. But it would be ridiculous for me to say "I hate Evanescence" before I'd ever listened to them, you know? WHAT IF THEY TURNED OUT TO BE AMAZING?! (but they're not, seriously)
I am a gregarious person and I know a lot of people. Not everybody likes me, and I don't expect them to. That is ok. I have a sharp tongue and can be extremely abrasive when provoked. I am clumsy as all hell and am pretty easy to make fun of for that alone (I broke my FACE open, people!! MY FACE). I have an intermittently rocky relationship with my mother, I drink far too much wine for my own good, I'm a terrible driver, and I am a complete smart-ass. Nice right? Yeah, I get it. But these are things that I know I have problems with.
If people want to sit around and say, you know, fucking ridiculous-ass Coralene, I watched her stumble in the hallway and crash into the vending machine and then get excited when her bump knocked a dime out of the machine, and then I saw her STEAL it-- if you want to say that, I am fine with that! If you want to say, I ran into Coralene at the Railyard and she'd had five pints and was hollering obnoxiously about who she thinks should be president even though she doesn't vote, FINE! I was being a drunk idiot, and you saw it happen, so you have a right to say that! I tried to do a one-handed cartwheel a couple weeks ago and my elbow buckled and I fell on my freaking MOUTH. I broke my bridge (I have a dental implant) and almost lost my front tooth, haha. MAKE FUN OF THAT- THAT is stupid.
What I am NOT ok with is the word "crazy". I am just as damned crazy as you are, as everyone else is. We are all completely nuts.
Honestly, the best way to get to know me is probably right here. I don't update as frequently as I used to, but I am pretty damned honest (on and offline- I just have more time to articulate here). Another thing you could do is... ask me. My email address is email@example.com. If you aren't comfortable emailing, I also have a Formspring account, so you can remain anonymous- it's http://www.formspring.me/curses (it's ridiculous, and I haven't checked it in ages- but it's there, if you "need"; I'll answer anything).
I don't know why I care so much if people think I'm "nice" or "smart" or good at anything I fucking do. But for whatever reason, I do- I really do. I think it's because I work really hard and I TRY really hard, and when someone thinks otherwise, it just... hurts my feelings, especially when it's completely unfounded. I just think that so many people forget something that is very important: you have no idea what someone else has going on in their life. You have no idea what they've been through, what they GO through, where they are at in life. You know only one side, and that is not fair.
Where does this shit come from?? I'm really asking this. Does anybody know? People always say jealousy triggers things like this, but at the same time... if someone doesn't know you, they can't really be jealous of you, right? So what the hell is it? Boredom? Someone who just wants to be the one who gets to tell the best story?
Almost one last thing in my little vent- I also think it's a bit amusing how many people who don't like me read my blog. Why?! I can refer you to literally HUNDREDS of other websites if you need something to kill time! You didn't have to come here- you CHOSE** to. You do realize you have the option of NOT LOOKING, right?!
Just fucking play nice.
* The only person this does not apply to is Dakota Fanning, whose real name is Hannah, because she is a liar and the devil and I do not need to meet her to know this.
** And for those of you who do choose to come here, and play nice when you are here, thank you so much for reading, and for your support and feedback. I appreciate you so very much... this in no way applies to you; I'm just upset about a couple ridiculous messages I received this morning.