01 November, 2012

My Rhys.


I love our monthaversaries :) I feel so fortunate to have Rhys in my life. I feel like he just came out of nowhere, and I'd known him for over four years. 

To a man who has never, ever, not even ONE time let me walk to my car by myself (even if it's 5AM and freezing outside and he's fast asleep!), who kisses my eyelids and nose and squeezes me when I'm sad, who praises my cooking even though I'm a garlic and salt addict, who has the nicest voice, prettiest eyes, and cutest nose in the universe, who is the sweetest thing to wake up to every morning... I love you so very much, and I am so thankful for you. You are my perfect.

Boooo you whore.

Ohhh no, not really.

This has not been a very good month. I was fired out of nowhere from my job (where I had worked for four and a half years), my daughter didn't get to come back to me at the time I was expecting because of it, I still might not be able to afford my house because of it, I started a new job but so far I don't know if it's going to be able to pay the bills... it's been pretty messy.

One of the hardest parts is trying to find answers to all the questions.

Why don't you just move into the new house anyways?
Because it doesn't seem wise to jump into something I'm not 100% positive I can pay for.

Where is Priscilla?
Nashville still. I (still) live in my stepdad's basement, and I can't very much bring her home unless I have a house.

If I were you I'd be saving my money.
(This one is a favorite) Yes, I would be saving my money too, if I was making any.

So this Jerry guy got fired too... why don't you just live with him?
It's Rhys, Mom, again, his name is Rhys, not Jerry. And if that was something he wanted to do I'm sure it would have come up by now.

Are you collecting unemployment?
No. Trust, I've tried, but that doesn't seem like something that is going to work out. And plus, with the new job, not really an option. Funnily enough (at least so far- it's only been two days though, so who knows) I would have made more with unemployment.

And then the statements... they're worse than the questions because they completely ignore the fact that I have no fucking clue what to do right now. They are HELPFUL, if I DID know what to do, but they don't really help right now... "I got more boxes for you." "I know someone with a TV stand you can have." "So and so said you can use their washer/dryer because they got a new one." All very thoughtful, kind gestures. Just not sure what to do there.

Anyways, so it's been a little shitty, and I haven't felt like updating much, because it's all pretty much the same. UPDATE UPDATE TODAY WAS THE SAME AS YESTERDAY!

30 September, 2012

Alex P. Keaton Love

[Rhys makes fun of me when I use photo filters]

I got the cutest coat in the universe the other day... I shop in the kids section of stores a lot and I found a leopard-print fur coat at Target for only $39.99! I squealed. It has hot pink satin lining and fits perfectly.

I need ideas! We're having dress-up week at work from October 8-12. The 9th is "Career Day", where you dress up as what you wanted to be when you grew up, when you were little. My problem is that I always wanted to be an actuary (handling insurance risks/premiums for large companies), even as a super little kid, and that isn't a very fun thing to dress up as. I guess the costume doesn't have to be TRUE, I just need to come up with something better than... well, how I dress every single day at work otherwise. 

A bum no longer!

Yesterday I made blueberry muffins, drank 57,000 glasses of wine, and went to bed at 4PM. I woke up at 9:30-ish, ordered pizza, and we ate it in bed and watched Law & Order SVU, then I went back to sleep :) It was basically a perfect day, rest-wise at least. Pretty sure Rhys thinks I put wine in the muffins though.

Guess what. I AM NOT HOMELESS ANY MORE! My friends have decided that they want to have a baby, so they bought a bigger house, and I get to rent their old house. I am so, so thankful/relieved/overjoyed!! Finally! Ahhhhhhh I still can't believe it; I just found out for sure yesterday and I'm still beaming. 

I bought two more Christmas presents for Rhys yesterday, and I already know what I'm getting for everybody else too. I can't wait! I want everybody to open everything early... that, or I'll just tell them what their presents are. I hate surprises. 

24 September, 2012

Violet Gradient Havana

Last night at the grocery store, we kept walking past this kind of timid-looking little man in a black t-shirt. Every time we crossed paths, Rhys would immediately change conversational direction and start talking about how drunk I was (I was not even drinking).

"No, you just think that because you're wasted right now."
"You can hardly walk, you're too drunk."

The next couple times we passed him, I started talking about how Rhys beats me.

"I'm sorry. Just please don't hit me any more tonight."
(and flinching if he even remotely lifted an arm)

We are exciting people, we do exciting things.

I interviewed for a different position (within the same company) last month. On Friday I finally had a second interview over the phone, with two people in New York. Now I have to wait two more weeks to find out anything more about it. Tortuuuuure.

Last, whilst cleaning my desk yesterday, I found my old cheap reading glasses. Now I look very clever. However, these are still my dream glasses. LOVE so so much. Need. 

15 September, 2012

Christmas in September!

Yesterday my sister and I spent a long time at Dillard's and Sephora, and then went to garage sales. I got cuuuute cute vintage hats, a new silly cat picture, and... a couple other things, I forget. I can't remember what I bought for myself because at every garage sale I bought something funny for Rhys. It's Christmas in September!

It's a Friends TRAY! 

Three old books (I just picked the ones with the oldest dates) and this unicorn book that my sister picked out. It was obviously a necessary purchase.

Four records, classical and opera, and pretty much the most amazing glasses in the world*.

Duck um... toothbrush holder? And key rack.

Then I wrapped everything in Christmas paper (Grinch and little holiday girls, ha) and put them into a bag of joy and surprise. Fancy stood guard over the gifts in case any robbers stopped by.

Later I ate snacks and made laser cat pictures with Daniel and Dana.

Rhys thinks my laser cat app is stupid but he could not be more wrong.

*These are the ACTUAL greatest glasses in the world.

14 September, 2012


Seriously, we ALWAYS end up taking pictures of ourselves on the ground somehow. It's so weird and funny at the time, then the next day we're both like "why did we do that?" We should just stay OUT of the dirt and buy the Demeter "Dirt" fragrance, if we like it so much.

I think I FINALLY found an apartment! Back to the Harvest Grangers, haha. I lived there for about three years with Graham, and the apartment will be almost identical. It'll be a little weird but I'm just relieved... it's taken so long that I've had to push back the time I get P back, which is heartbreaking, but at least now she'll have a little home and no stress and just, a regular life again (she has had a completely regular life with her dad in Nashville, that's not what I'm saying; I meant before she went there). I think Graham has a new girlfriend too and she looks super super cute and nice and I'm really happy for him! I'm seeing his mom today for awhile so hopefully we can gossip, haha. 

I watched Return of the Jedi yesterday (this was before I turned into a total shit show) and can now proudly say that I have seen all three Star Wars films... I'm not too concerned about the new ones; I can see those later, but I really had to get the original three out of the way. Especially since I'd already made a Star Wars dress... it seemed a bit silly wearing that but knowing I'd never seen them. 

And nowwww, shopping day! 

12 September, 2012


I look like a rainbow.


Dana and I ate at Uberbrew last night and had a couple beers while Rhys played Tekken. We watched the US/Jamaica soccer game (and both agreed that we didn't care who won... US and Jamaica are not important at all in soccer...) and I commiserated with one of the bartenders about what a sad day it was when Thierry Henry left Arsenal. 

I don't know why but we always end up taking pictures of ourselves on the ground.

I have an interview today... Shan and Dana told me the best answer to every question is either "diabetes" or "AIDS".

"Make sure to clarify, though... they need to know you aren't responding HIV or something. Be very clear that you mean full-blown AIDS."

11 September, 2012


I couldn't break this one down into bullet points, sorry :) It's a long 'un.

You know what really bothers me? Hearsay. It can be very difficult to hear nasty things about yourself, especially things that you just know aren't true. I probably put too much thought into these things...

Do you know who I talk badly about? People I know. Ha! It's true. I can't sit here and honestly say that I never sit around and gossip and joke, because I definitely do. I'm also not saying that I say mean things about my friends, because I'm not two-faced, but if I'm going to say something negative about someone, it's because I have at the very least met them and somehow developed that feeling on my own. I do not talk badly about people I have never met, or do not know well enough to criticize*, and certainly not ever solely based on something that someone else said.

It's like... I hate Evanescence. A lot. But the reason that I know this is because I have HEARD Evanescence. I don't like their tone, their image, their lyrics, anything. But it would be ridiculous for me to say "I hate Evanescence" before I'd ever listened to them, you know? WHAT IF THEY TURNED OUT TO BE AMAZING?! (but they're not, seriously)

I am a gregarious person and I know a lot of people. Not everybody likes me, and I don't expect them to. That is ok. I have a sharp tongue and can be extremely abrasive when provoked. I am clumsy as all hell and am pretty easy to make fun of for that alone (I broke my FACE open, people!! MY FACE). I have an intermittently rocky relationship with my mother, I drink far too much wine for my own good, I'm a terrible driver, and I am a complete smart-ass. Nice right? Yeah, I get it. But these are things that I know I have problems with.

If people want to sit around and say, you know, fucking ridiculous-ass Coralene, I watched her stumble in the hallway and crash into the vending machine and then get excited when her bump knocked a dime out of the machine, and then I saw her STEAL it-- if you want to say that, I am fine with that! If you want to say, I ran into Coralene at the Railyard and she'd had five pints and was hollering obnoxiously about who she thinks should be president even though she doesn't vote, FINE! I was being a drunk idiot, and you saw it happen, so you have a right to say that! I tried to do a one-handed cartwheel a couple weeks ago and my elbow buckled and I fell on my freaking MOUTH. I broke my bridge (I have a dental implant) and almost lost my front tooth, haha. MAKE FUN OF THAT- THAT is stupid.

What I am NOT ok with is the word "crazy". I am just as damned crazy as you are, as everyone else is. We are all completely nuts.

Honestly, the best way to get to know me is probably right here. I don't update as frequently as I used to, but I am pretty damned honest (on and offline- I just have more time to articulate here). Another thing you could do is... ask me. My email address is If you aren't comfortable emailing, I also have a Formspring account, so you can remain anonymous- it's (it's ridiculous, and I haven't checked it in ages- but it's there, if you "need"; I'll answer anything).

I don't know why I care so much if people think I'm "nice" or "smart" or good at anything I fucking do. But for whatever reason, I do- I really do. I think it's because I work really hard and I TRY really hard, and when someone thinks otherwise, it just... hurts my feelings, especially when it's completely unfounded. I just think that so many people forget something that is very important: you have no idea what someone else has going on in their life. You have no idea what they've been through, what they GO through, where they are at in life. You know only one side, and that is not fair.

Where does this shit come from?? I'm really asking this. Does anybody know? People always say jealousy triggers things like this, but at the same time... if someone doesn't know you, they can't really be jealous of you, right? So what the hell is it? Boredom? Someone who just wants to be the one who gets to tell the best story?

Almost one last thing in my little vent- I also think it's a bit amusing how many people who don't like me read my blog. Why?! I can refer you to literally HUNDREDS of other websites if you need something to kill time! You didn't have to come here- you CHOSE** to. You do realize you have the option of NOT LOOKING, right?!

Just fucking play nice.

* The only person this does not apply to is Dakota Fanning, whose real name is Hannah, because she is a liar and the devil and I do not need to meet her to know this.

** And for those of you who do choose to come here, and play nice when you are here, thank you so much for reading, and for your support and feedback. I appreciate you so very much... this in no way applies to you; I'm just upset about a couple ridiculous messages I received this morning. 

09 September, 2012

You, the brightest one.

New dark fall hair!

I don't have the mental strength to form paragraphs so I am just going to update in bullets:
  • Rhys tickles me and I wiggle away to escape and the other night I bashed my face into one of his weights while doing so. I am going to have 100% loss of memory by the time I am 40.
  • This is fine because Dana and I are getting "66" tattoos inside our hands; we decided that sounds like a good age to die... if not we can just keep crossing out the 66 and updating it with new years.
  • Yesterday I left my shoes downtown in my car (Rhys picked me up). He never gets mad at me and I don't understand why... Sometimes I'm afraid that one day he's just going to cheerfully announce that we aren't a good fit and break up with me and I won't have had a chance to see it coming because he never gets sad or cross about anything.
  • But then we just make out and I love him. 
  • I need a new blog banner but I'm lazy and uninspired. 
  • *UPDATE* I made a banner but accidentally made it way too small and am NOW too lazy to fix it. I will do this later, possibly. It's more likely that I will not.
  • Hm. I need to get my car though actually.
  • Also need to stop eating cookies. It's been a day of cookies... I baked banana cream pudding cookies with white chocolate chips and crushed vanilla wafers inside, and also pumpkin oatmeal spice cookies with maple icing. Needless to say I am quite fat today.
  • I miss Priscilla so much. I am having the absolute worst time trying to find an apartment :( I have wasted so much money on application fees... she can't come home until I HAVE a home, and I keep getting turned down everywhere. My old landlord said she'd love to have me back so I'm meeting with her on Thursday, but if that doesn't work out for some reason, I think I'm finally out of options. Insert state of panic here.
  • My therapist won't refill my Celexa until the 26th or 29th or something. I am furious because I KNOW that this is a mistake- last time I filled my prescriptions, I got Celexa on time and Xanax early. This time they gave me the Xanax but said no to the Celexa, even after contacting my doctor. Three weeks without my DAILY medication?! I'm... ugh. I don't know. I have been taking it less and less lately but it's unhealthy to just STOP taking something... I hope the Xanax gets me through it. 
  • I want to see The Possession.
  • Rhys and I are making grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken noodle soup tonight, which sounds glorious. 
  • I hate my bicycle now :( I don't know what happened but suddenly I think it's just stupid. Rhys found the most amazing website where you can customize your own bicycle and I've made this one and I have to find a way to make it mine! Er... even though it's almost $800.

Ahhhh baby blue and red together!!!!!!!!!! SHIT.

Love love love.
It's all love. Little messy cute hair.

03 September, 2012


I've had a Livejournal account since 2002. That's nuts. I was just reading some old posts... this one was from September 3, 2004 and it made me laugh:

MY ASS HURTS and no not like that kthxxxxx it's because i got this random idea in my head two nights ago that i should go running, and i meant to be gone for about an hour or so but i got REALLY lost and it took two hours (i was running in the opposite direction of home, apparently). i had to stop a pizza hut delivery man to ask him directions to my house (haha "do you know where i live?").

also, my face hurts, because i accidentally bashed it into my desk and my labret jewelry split my gums on the bottom and that makes me want to cry.

...always having weird random accidents!
Ha, "do you know where I live?"

A lesson.

Hi, love.*

That sick feeling you get in your stomach when you realize he doesn't love you any more.
The way your heart sinks when you say too much, more than you ever meant to say, and you see his face fall with disappointment as he understands now that you are not everything that you wanted him to think that you are.
Your inability to accept the fact that we are all lost, none of us has a place here. Everyone just wants to go home, but nobody knows where home is.

It got to a point where I just felt like a broken person. He looked at me once and said, after a lot of thought, "I feel like I have destroyed you. You are not the same person any more." And it was true, both of those things were true.

If you must know, so that this makes more sense to you, I was pregnant, and I decided not to have the baby. It was a decision that did not come easily, as I wanted it so much, but something was changing; I didn't even know what it was, but something just felt... different. Off.

When I did it, I was completely alone. He dropped me off and drove away. There was a protester outside with signs pasted to the side of her van, horrible, graphic pictures to remind me what a disgusting person I was. She knew what I was doing and she pointed at me and glared. I could feel her hatred for me all the way through my body, all the way to my bones.

Inside the building I cried quietly and looked through my hair at the young girls around me. One was with her boyfriend and they read a magazine together. One was wearing her high school sweatshirt and sat with her mother. There were four girls, but I was the only one who was crying. I kept thinking, this is not me, I do not belong here. This is not what I wanted for myself.

It was over that day, our relationship. It's a difficult thing to go through and we both felt alone... him because he felt that he didn't have a say in it, and me because... well, because I was literally alone. But it's where I was, and I had put myself there, supported, loved or not, I was just... there.

He didn't ever ask any questions; he just never loved me again. I was sick with regret and confusion. I prayed every day, begging God to forgive me, pleading with Him to allow me to forgive myself. It was silly and ironic, and the relief never came.

The air at home was thick with resentment. As our situation worsened, I just hoped harder. I hoped I would wake up one day and it would just be better. Maybe he would want to stroke my hair again, or hold my pinky and smile with his eyes. Maybe I wouldn't have to sleep on the couch again. Maybe my nightmares about what I had done would go away. Maybe he would talk to me again.

On Easter I was so lonely that after he went to bed, I went into his room and asked if he would hug me.
He thought for a moment and said, "I suppose that would be ok."

I wrote notes to him every day and left them on the counter. Just little hello notes, have a good day, I hope you slept well. Every day they sat untouched on that counter. I saved them all for some reason. I started putting them on top of the refrigerator, in the very back. The stack grew and grew until it wasn't a stack any more, it was a pile. A big, dusty, unappreciated pile of words that fell on deaf ears, blind eyes. Every time I put a new note on top of that pile I wanted to scream, just scream and scream, I AM STILL IN HERE. YOU WENT AWAY BUT I AM STILL HERE. That pile became proof, after awhile, proof that we had gone far past driving to the end of the road. We'd passed the paved section, covered the gravel, blew through the dead end... we were careening off a cliff in a car that just wanted to explode.

What are you thinking about? I don't know.
Are you ok? I don't know.
Do you still love me? I don't know.

It made me crazy. I was someone else. As the indifference and silence increased, my behavior worsened. I acted out like a naughty child. I was a shell, a husk. I was nobody, and I didn't want to be anybody any more.

It's a strange thing, loving someone who does not love you back. A dear friend of mine once said that when a relationship ends, it feels like someone actually died. That total loss, that complete severance of what was there, it's all just gone one day.

I stopped sleeping, I couldn't eat. My anxiety skyrocketed. I started seeing a psychotherapist, a D.O., and a sleep specialist. Nobody could help me, and I just got worse and worse. I started counting things. Everything. Tiles on the ceiling, stairs, letters. And I just kept waiting and waiting, like a damned fool, every day. The same thing, the same nothing.

I don't know why it hurt so much when he broke up with me; we had been finished for months. I couldn't possibly have felt like less of a person. I cried all day and all night. I don't know what I was even missing... I lamented a loss that was so old that the fact that it even surprised me at all was the only truly odd thing about the breakup. I pictured his face, stern, studying, as he stood over me with his arms crossed while I tried to pack my belongings. I tried to remember the last time he didn't look at me like that, and I couldn't.

He sent an email to me that read like a journal entry. It made me feel absolutely terrible, like a twisted demon incapable of loving, of receiving love. A terrible, controlling mother. A shadow. I hated him for that email. After reading it over and over, I finally realized that he is ridiculously rotten at communicating, that he had wasted an entire YEAR of my life, just sitting in silence, leaving me to guess, panicking alone. The last time I read it, this post-mortem diary, I deleted it. It felt fantastic; I felt like I was deleting him. So I kept going... I just deleted and deleted and erased and erased. Every click felt better. Each time I pressed down on that button I felt like I was putting myself back together a little bit more.

As I cleared our life away, I became angry. I wanted my TIME back, but since that was something that could never be restored, I just kept removing all of those threads of meaningless words. It was a good start. Next, I faced the decision I had made. Right or wrong was not up for debate; I just accepted it, because I had to. And I accepted that trying to follow through with that, in that house, with that person, would never have worked. It did not justify my choice, but it was a fact. It is a fact.

Therapy suddenly started to work. I began to sleep through the night, the nightmares stopped, the panic attacks went away, the OCD dissolved. It could have been anything... the doctors, Rhys, the medication, time. Everything combined. I realized that I am not what he thinks of me. I am kind. I am a good mother. I have so much love to give. I stopped hurting and realized one day that I had forgiven myself. I was happy and whole, and every day I silently thanked myself for being strong for the first time in my life, for staying alive, for trying. I thought, I can do hard things.

And it's true, we all can. We can all do hard things.
We may all be lost and we may never truly know where home is, but we must never stop searching for it.
We are fragile because we are human, but we are strong, and we need to give ourselves more credit than we do. We deserve that.

Then Rhys happened and I forgot I even had an ex-boyfriend the end.

*He left this on my windshield one day when I was at the dentist. I just found it in my Moleskine... it still feels good to throw these things away. 

02 September, 2012

Teeth schmeeth, who needs 'em.

Rhys and Harold... and a mysterious new duck.


I love this picture. Harold is talking to us! He was telling us about his lunch.

Some day I am going to break in and hug the bears.

This is my goat... this is the one who does not get goat snot all over me when I feed him.

I love this chicken because he has fluffy little feather shoes. 
I want fluffy little feather shoes.

Lazy red pandas...

Skinny-ass wolf.


Hugest horsie in the universe.

I had the best weekend. Busy, too! Rhys did the cutest thing... he took me on an elderly date. We had dinner at the Olive Garden at 4:30PM, then went to Total Recall at 5:30PM so I wouldn't fall asleep, ha. It's the first time we've ever gone to a movie that I didn't sleep all the way through!

Handsome. Kiss.

Yesterday Dana and I went to breakfast at the Muzzle Loader for omelettes and Caesars (breakfast drink, it's mostly a salad, really, very good for you), then played Bezzerwizzer with Shan and Becca.

Becca: Do you seriously support Romney, Coralene?

After the game was over I made stuffed chicken at Rhys', then "napped" ("totally wine-passed out") until he woke me up a little later and nice things happened. I seriously debated calling off today because I just wanted to lay in bed with him and be a lazy bum all day, but decided to be responsible and work, go me. 

I believe I am going to be needing an emergency visit to the dentist soon... one of my front teeth is fake (I have an implant that has a bridge on the back of it for support... I slipped on the ice and fell a long time ago) and this weekend, whilst attempting to be an impressive indoor one-hand-cartwheel master gymnast, my elbow buckled and I fell right on my mouth. RIGHT ON MY FUCKING MOUTH. I knocked my bridge loose and I am terrified that my implant is just going to come flying out if I say a "T" too hard. Fucking hillbilly.

21 August, 2012

Ladies Who Booze

Last night Dana, Erin and I had a couple of beers at the Railyard after work. A homeless man named Michael gave us yellow flowers for her hair and we bought some of his oil paintings. Erin got a bunny, Dana got a fox and a devil standing in an oil field, and I bought a buffalo and a goat, who is shitting on the ground. I told Rhys that I got oil paintings and he said, "That's not oil; it's blood and human excrement. You bought Hep C."

We had a lot of fun though. Girl nights are so nice... we decided that we are going to write a book together. I'm not saying what it's about yet but it's going to be fabulous and hilarious.

The fire hazard was cleared so we finally get to shoot guns this weekend! I want to wear my Little House on the Prairie dress but Rhys thinks I need pants. That's silly. THIS ISN'T NAZI GERMANY!!

19 August, 2012

Saturday Adventures

Yesterday we woke up early and went to Farmer's Market, had breakfast downtown, and went to the zoo. Later I drank way too much wine and made chicken pot pies and ate a loaf of bread. Almost. But seriously.

I thought these guys were adorable... Rhys did not.

My favorite part of Farmer's Market is eating, of course, but nothing sounded good yesterday. 
Rhys had a tamale and I bought the hottest salsa in the universe.

This goat!! I have mixed feelings about feeding goats at the zoo. 
This one was super nice and didn't make much of a mess. 
The other naughtier one slobbers snot all over the place. It is totally sick. Rhys reminded me to bring a napkin this time (I was so grossly goat-slimy the last time we went to the zoo) but it didn't really help much... it was so bad that the goat's face was about six inches from my hand, with a big string of snotslobber connecting us. The rest of the time we were there, when I put my arm around Rhys, he said, "NOT WITH THE GOAT HAND!" Haha.

"So, you went to the zoo and you saw a horse... you realize you live in Montana, right, and that horses are everywhere..."


This is Harold, Rhys' duck. Rhys is the duck whisperer. 
Harold loves him very much. 

  • I haven't had heartburn since I was pregnant. Loaf of bread, never again.
  • I just did a recount on my medication and realized I over-medicated yesterday, completely by accident. Bad. Bad. I need to set an alarm on my phone and only take it when it goes off. 
  • I actually don't have terrible anxiety any more... I think my last relationship was just such stressful bullshit that I was really starting to go nuts. I take my medication but overall, I just feel better. Safer, happier, healthier. 
  • I have been talking in my sleep a lot. Rhys said that last night I told him that I was eating bear ears.
  • I jokingly called Rhys boo yesterday and he broke up with me. I asked if we could get back together and he said yes, as long as I don't say boo too much any more. I asked what 'too much' was. He said, "Once." :)
  • Mmm I love him.

I am a total dick.